"Lisa, do you know that ah poh has passed away this morning?"
Even typing this makes me teared, the feeling is so..so...it's just heartache, painful, choking :(
This is by far the worst news that I've received throughout my life. I wasn't expecting this, to be honest, I thought you will always be there,
I thought that you were just sick, like 'not serious' illness, just some common sickness,
I thought I will still be able to see you when I go back,
I thought you will be able to see my graduation photo,
I thought I can hear you tell me that 'Wah Lisa, let lui ah, yao hao dai yat a!' (Wah Lisa, clever girl, get number 1 again?)
I thought....... I just thought you wouldn't leave me.....
I know it's too late to say anything now.
But one thing I just want to tell you that I am really sorry that I didn't get to spend much time to talk to you this year and I know you have forgiven me when you appeared in my dream the other day. Since the day you passed away, I have been looking forward to you appearing in my dreams, I waited and waited but you didn't appear or maybe you did but I don't remember when I woke up the next day, until that day you appeared and told me that you will always be there looking at me. Although I could barely remember what was the dream, I remembered you pointing at your photo and telling me that's not the real you, the real you was standing in front of me and told me not to be sad. The next thing I know is hugging you tight and you stroking my hair. How I wished that dream could last longer :')
The thought of losing you is unbearable, so I tried not to think about it all the time. I thought I will be fine, but actually I was just pretending to be okay. I don't want my family to be worried of me but somehow they sensed that I wasn't okay and asked me if I am alright.
I wasn't able to be there at your funeral,
I wasn't able to see you for the last time,
I wasn't able to bid you goodbye,
I wasn't able to tell you how proud am I to have such a lovely grandma like you,
I wasn't able to thank you for everything you've done for me,
I wasn't able to fulfill my role as a good granddaughter,
There're so so so many more 'I wasn't able to....'
Although I couldn't be there for your funeral, my cousins sent me some photos during the funeral, it makes me feel like I was there with everyone to bid you goodbye for the last time. They also told me that most of them teared and couldn't continue to read my fb post about you and one of the aunts even showed others about the post. Irene even asked Ah hao to print it out and let ah pak to read it. This tells me how much you've contributed to our lives and you will be dearly missed.
The month of November is a month to remember and pray for those who have slipped into God's hand. I read about an article on the "Reflection on death" one day and it makes me understand what my grandma was trying to tell me in my dream.
The great and sad mistake of many people,
is to imagine that those whom death has taken,
leave us. They do not leave us.
They remain! Where are they? In darkness?
No. it is we who are in darkness.
We do not see them, but they see us.
Their eyes, radiant with glory are fixed
on our eyes full of tears.
Fr Karl Rahner
Ah poh, I know you are always looking at me now and I will cherish all the memories that you've left me. Can I make 阿嬤的話 our song? I will try to find one Cantonese song but before that lets make this our song okay? And I promise you, one day I will be able to sing this song for you without shedding a tear, I want you to know that your granddaughter is actually quite a good singer >< I don't remember singing a song for you, and I know there wouldn't be a chance for me to sing one for you anymore. But that's okay, I know you'll be able to hear it and I shall try this song again next time I go karaoke :)
I watched one movie called "The Stolen Years" the other day and I would like to dedicate one phrase to those who have lost their loved ones. It says something like this:
It is not important whether I will be there or not
during every important events in your life,
What matters is that whether you will think of me
during these important days.
Ah poh, how are you doing in heaven now?
I miss you a lot :')
